He fancies himself to be like the writer Bukowzki. An Epicurean man of living free and in the moments. Well traveled, educated by European standards and practices. Insane and sometimes unpredictable will fits of crippling depression and legal issues. He's a man who has lived the life I wish I could have and always dreamed to do.
He is well traveled and has lived in several countries with friends from all over Europe. He has hook ups to drugs and a life free from starvation and wanting.
For most of my life I wanted to live a life similar to his. I wished to travel, see the world, get international experience, and live a life of freedom and passion as an artist, muscian, lover, and seer of the world. Instead, I lived a life of a working man. Striving and toiling with very little to show for it. I gave my life to an opportunist and a leech.
I lived much of my adult life in a world of Sarte-ian, "Bad Faith". I did what was "right", to be the person society told me to be even if it it made me unhappy. I gave and I gave. I toiled and toiled. I took better and better jobs. I was promoted and landed every bonus. I gave it all to my family . That was what was right to do, right? It did not matter if it left me dead and hollow inside to be giving, and giving, and giving to an ungrateful person. It was what "adults do", right,
I became a parent. I gave myself, my time, and all my money to those people. (I never regret a single moment that was for my children), but the abuse of the material from my spouse made being in the relationship unbearable and sickening. The constant mess, the horrific money management, and the constant requests that were road blocked by their own choices and issues kept me from being happy because of the sacrifices I made to try to keep them happy. When they stopped being my lover (because words on a phone screen generated 5,000 miles away told her to), that passion stopped I really saw just how empty the relationship truly was.
I was putting up with her just because I was getting laid and she'd been my regular sex partner since I was 19... Not really a good foundation for something lasting. Hell, she kept the "relationship" on "life-support" so she could travel to have an affair with her new bf just to make sure it would "work out" & I could still be her comfortable fall back if it didn't. Just like she has done to me so many times before. Why I kept allowing myself to be used by her is beyond normal or rational. But I kept allowing it and that was my main flaw.
I did take other lovers. It was wonderful to have someone care about me, and enjoy time with me, without feeling like I was just being used and critiqued by them. To have real passion and friendship was beautiful. I was miserable and should have gotten out once I saw how I could be happy outside of her. I didn't make that move or choice.
Like each time I got a better and better jobs. I was still made to feel low because it wasn't enough for them. They belittled the work I did and when I desperately needed time off, and time for me, I was told what I wanted was petty and unrealistic. (Though they stayed at home, kept the house a total wreck, spent their time building a relationship with someone else and traveling to a new land to be with them while I worked and did all the house work) I ultimately allowed it, and was miserable in it. I didn't make the change that was needed.
I have now sacrificed my late teens, all of my 20's, and half of my 30's to a woman just feeding off of me till they could move on and "be happy". There is nothing like coming to that realization this far into life... It hurts, it burns, and one just has to look toward to future at that point.
I'm glad I'm not much older, but I'm no spring chicken anymore, either. At least I hope I learn from it all and can take that into the life I have left. Being pretty and open to fucking just isn't enough.... It just isn't enough.
