My Existential Crisis

       He fancies himself to be like the writer Bukowzki.  An Epicurean man of living free and in the moments.  Well traveled, educated by European standards and practices.  Insane and sometimes unpredictable will fits of crippling depression and legal issues. He's a man who has lived the life I wish I could have and always dreamed to do.
         He is well traveled and has lived in several countries with friends from all over Europe. He has hook ups to drugs  and a life free from starvation and wanting.
       For most of my life I wanted to live a life similar to his.  I wished to travel, see the world, get international experience, and live a life of freedom and passion as an artist, muscian, lover, and seer of the world. Instead, I lived a life of a working man.  Striving and toiling with very little to show for it. I gave my life to an opportunist and a leech.
        I lived much of my adult life in a world of Sarte-ian, "Bad Faith". I did what was "right", to be the person society told me to be even if it it made me unhappy. I gave and I gave. I toiled and toiled. I took better and better jobs. I was promoted and landed every bonus. I gave it all to my family . That was what was right to do, right?  It did not matter if it left me dead and hollow inside to be giving, and giving, and giving to an ungrateful person. It was what "adults do", right,
      I became a parent. I gave myself, my time, and all my money to those people. (I never regret a single moment that was for my children), but the abuse of the material from my spouse made being in the relationship unbearable and sickening. The constant mess, the horrific money management, and the constant requests that were road blocked by their own choices and issues kept me from being happy because of the sacrifices I made to try to keep them happy. When they stopped being my lover (because words on a phone screen generated 5,000 miles away told her to),  that passion stopped I really saw just how empty the relationship truly was.
         I was putting up with her just because I was getting laid and she'd been my regular sex partner since I was 19...  Not really a good foundation for something lasting.  Hell, she kept the "relationship" on "life-support" so she could travel to have an affair with her new bf just to make sure it would "work out" & I could still be her comfortable fall back if it didn't.  Just like she has done to me so many times before. Why I kept allowing myself to be used by her is beyond normal or rational. But I kept allowing it and that was my main flaw.
         I did take other lovers.  It was wonderful to have someone care about me, and enjoy time with me, without feeling like I was just being used and critiqued by them. To have real passion and friendship was beautiful. I was miserable and should have gotten out once I saw how I could be happy outside of her.  I didn't make that move or choice.
         Like each  time I  got a better and better jobs. I was still made to feel low because it wasn't enough for them. They belittled the work I did and when I desperately needed time off, and time for me, I was told what I wanted was petty and unrealistic. (Though they stayed at home, kept the house a total wreck, spent their time building a relationship with someone else and traveling to a new land to be with them while I worked and did all the house work)  I ultimately allowed it, and was miserable in it. I didn't make the change that was needed.
         I have now sacrificed my late teens, all of my 20's, and half of my 30's to a woman just feeding off of me till they could move on and "be happy". There is nothing like coming to that realization this far into life... It hurts, it burns, and one just has to look toward to future at that point.
        I'm glad I'm not much older, but I'm no spring chicken anymore, either. At least I hope I learn from it all and can take that into the life I have left. Being pretty and open to fucking just isn't enough.... It just isn't enough.

Death

I do not want to come to the end of my life jumping into the arms of death glad to release this mortal coil due to depression and hatred of my life and existence on this earth.




Nor do I wish to fear death so greatly that I would sacrifice my everything to spend just a little more time on this plane of existence.




I'd wish for death to be a natural process that I take in as the inevitable and remain neutral to it as it comes to pass.




or:


Jeg ønsker ikke å komme til slutten av livet mitt å hoppe i armene på død glad for å slippe dette dødelige coil på grunn av depresjon og hat i mitt liv og eksistens på denne jorden. Heller ikke jeg ønsker å frykte døden så sterkt at jeg ville ofre min alt for å tilbringe litt mer tid på dette planet av eksistens . Jeg ville ønske for døden å være en naturlig prosess som jeg ta i så det uunngåelige og være nøytral til det som det kommer til å passere .


--
Tim

An Update.

Wow.
Life has been a roller coaster ride for sure.
Just wow how tine changes so much.
A little over a year ago I lost my dad to cancer after switching career paths. I tried to be strong.for my family and took too much on and it.all crumbled.
The wife found someone new and wants to leave me for a new life with him so I am looking into the future as a single man.
I now have 2 beautiful daughters and they are the center of my.world and all that I do.
It is looking as if I'll be moving to Germany as soon as I am able to be with my girls. The education there is superior to that of the United States and I have always wanted to be an international traveler and a citizen of the world. Now I am looking that opportunity in the face and can't wait to see where it takes me.
I'm hopeful and optimistic about that is to come, but I know the challenges will be real.
Learning a new language won't be the easiest thing I have ever done, but so far in grasping German faster than I thought I would.  Time will just have to tell how well it continues.
I can't wait to meet all kinds of new people and see what life will offer.

Collect, Collect, Collect, Law Enforcement's Latest Paradigm.

Collect, collect, collect.
         This is all our officers of the law focus on. Hell, this is what our entire judicial system is based on.
        Notice how crime rates have risen? Because the system is not defending us; but only collecting revenue for the department. They continue to have newer vehicles, higher grade assult weapons, more victims, more slaves in the privately owned prison systems of America, more pay, but yet the rate of unsolved crime is rising higher and higher. The crimes that go "unsolved" are the crimes that do not gather revenue, but cost departments money. That is no coincidence.
         Judges, prosecutors, and law enforcement officers on the same pay roll; benefiting from the "punishment" of "crime" as they turn the accused over to privately owned corrections facilities so the cost to the Sate is maintained. While at no time in human history have so many people been imprisoned by its own government. (Not even the "Red" & "Communist" countries the US claim as our enemies house as many prisoners. Though they are hated because they aren't as "free" as we are.)
         We look back at the days of kings and knights. You see  these same systems were used to squeeze collections out of the already impoverished society just as it is happening today. But we don't have a "Robin Hood" or a "Zorro" in the wings to assist us here in the United States. As a "modern society" we seem to have turned blind to the same happening in our world and are too placated to fight injustice, theft, and murder by our modern captor. It could be the new technology, it could be the force fed media feeds tarnishing an objective view, or it could be a society we secretly want through our compliance.
        Similar happenings happened in Germany during the 1940's. Germany was at a peak of technology, state saturated media,  government control of thought and art through censorship, record setting prison populations, and a military constantly at war to expand its belief in the Führung.  Even as people were disappearing around them, the society was easily lead to believe those who were disappearing "Where Unclean" and they were being removed for the "purification" of the State.
        At this Time the United States has similar prisons in foreign lands where the vast majority of those tortured and interned there have a Muslim faith. We have a military that has been constantly at war, we have a media that is now state run and filled with the propaganda it wants us to know. Those who "Toe the Party Line" live a life of ease, while anyone who needs to be "broken" is raked through to judicial system much akin to the story of Jesus. As if to say, "Stand for the rights of the people who are less fortunate & be quelled with violences that the state run media will never tell you about." AKA much of the Michael Brown and "Hands Up, Don't Shoot" movement were organized through social media and until the riots the main stream media did all it could to stay away from reporting the story.  The same places where many found out about the happenings (Social Media) also made possible the public outcry and education of what happened.
        Why all this strife? For the money.  The same money printed at the US Mint itself. Capitalism ran so far amuck that even the governing body has been given up to pure (and adulterated) greed and avarice to such an extent the it has to find new ways to fill its own pockets to "continue" running. I can't be the only one that sees this system feeding upon itself like a snake eating its own tale. Will we stop the avarice before we are consumed and crushed by the machine?
Do we need a Zorro, Robin Hood, or Brave Heart?

#Californication

         It has been many a year since I have been this drawn into a show of fictional characters.  It was like finishing a great Russian novel. Full of great stories with twists and turns and more characters than you can keep up with. Miss an episode (or a chapter) and miss out on the development.
      Great writers, actors, and pop stars made appearances or were referenced. I believe my favorite was the reference to Tolstoy's Anna Karenina near the end of the series, or when Hank was compared to "a poor man's" Bukowski or directly titled "Bukowski" himself by the mother of his child. (Though some will say Hank's character is the the main character from most of Bukowski's novels.)
          I could relate all too well with Hank Moody.  He was a former rocker who became a writer. He had a beautiful and intelligent daughter (Becca) that seemed to teach him more than he let himself be open to; & he had an odd, and usually astringed, relationship with Becca's mother Karen. One could always tell that Hank had good intentions but they never worked out for him.  Karen was always seeing Hank caught up in messes he really wasn't interested in, but looked bad as Karen walked in on him. No matter what he said or tried to do, he was always a snare away from disaster.
         Becca's character was always a blast.  Well behaved and always wanting to learn. A great touch to the series was when her Thanksgiving Prayer. A Satanic Prayer of gratitude to the meal where the bravest of the family Hailed, Satan with her.  She was also shown in an episode reading the Satanic Bible by Anton Levay showing that she wanted to be well informed and study life for herself. (Too bad she wasn't shown reading his Satanic Witch.  But that may have been lost in the less Church of Satan savvy watchers.) As the series progressed one sees her become a young adult living life on her own and took what was given to her while finding her own existentialist freedom.
         Each season was well acted and well written. I really felt they just kept getting better as they progressed. Sue Collini (played by Kathleen Turner) is a riot of a character that is only more humorous when one remembers her preference as "Serial Mom". The fact that the character Krull really was a member the Sex Pistols. Plus the battles of the Runkle family seem to hit home for anyone who has wanted adventure in life and just didn't know how to do it without damage.
         Some will say that the series ended with too much left unfinished. But I feel this added to the main theme that the main character was a writer who rarely was able to write. He couldn't finish what he started on paper, or in his own life. It also goes back to my reference of 1800's Russian Novels. Too much was going on to wrap up every little piece of the story.  It lets the viewer's imagination take over and that is where the best forms of art leave off, "Where the audience can take it with them and still find happiness and enjoyment".
For any parts that I missed, and the interesting relationships of the members of the acting staff:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Californication_(TV_series)

Aryton Senna

•. •. •. What is success? A. Senna set records in his time for most times starting 1st (pole position), finishing 1st (winning), and assessing the most points per season more times than any other driver of his time. Then, gunning for 1st place behind Michaels Shumacher he slammed a wall @ over 185  mph. The crash took his life and sent the country of Brazil into mourning as the rest of the Formula 1 community also suffered for the loss.

         No political skirmish, with his team or Formula 1, could hold him back, no track could keep him from success, and he seemed free of any inner demons that could hold him back on a personal level either.
          I was blessed to watch the beautiful documentary on his life from Netflix and I am very glad that I did. It showed me how the petty and childish do fade away.  The true winners are winners.  They do not always find the same type of success, but it is the type that is still read about for generations and decades after the individual can no longer tell their own story.
         Senna was a hero who brought joy to a suffering country.  He gave his time and his being to the country when he was not in a race car, and he was loved greatly for it.

Rationing

        I was working my heart out (like I always do) and I was think of ways to budget my time so that I could get to all the tasks at hand and to keep my performance level up. While I was planning out my time I realized I was getting thirsty. I devised a plan to reward myself with a cup of water after I got to a certain stopping point. For a bit, the idea sounded genius. Then I thought about it for a bit...
       What was I thinking? I'm in the industrialized part of the planet, where water comes out clear from the tap, I work at a desk, we have bottled water shipped in, and I always get my work completed. But... I want to hold off getting water into my system so I can sort through accounts faster.  It just boggled my mind that that would be my thought process.
        I'm so very lucky to be living where I do, good at what I do, productive, hard working, dedicated, and think that a suitable reward could be water...
       Though it made me think of others who could not have have the option of clean water, it did come as a complete absurdity to ration my liquid intake so I could reward myself with quenched thirst later. Too many 1st world health issues can happen from dehydration that makes me thought process to not need retooling.

Literature

Book Love. 💙💘

        I adore books!  For me they have been the windows to many parts of my life.  There have been types, styles, and recordings of certain musicians that I would have never gotten to experience if it were not for a book the I read that opened my eyes to its exsistance.
         A very good case in point is Ray Manzarek's Light My Fire. I had listened to the Doors but I'd never taken in an entire album of their work.  It was not until I had read his autobiography that I was opened up to his amazing life.  It was knowing that he took many of his phrasings and melodic ideas from songs he learned taking piano lessons as a child that encouraged me to listen to these great works and virtuosic playing skills of the band.  Also his words told me of a band called the Grateful Dead.
          He hated this other great band of the late 60's.  He called them self-indulgent, over  intoxicated, out of tune, and sloppy when he wasn't speaking of how selfish their Keyboard player was.  Thus turning me off from listening to the group for years and years.  But one day I was on an extended road trip and stopped at a gas station to get some tunes for the tape deck to keep me awake. 
        I saw a tape of the Grateful Dead's American Beauty on sale and I grabbed it up.  I had read they were hard rock for their time and wanted stay awake for the rest of the drive.  What a mislabeling for my ears.  I though I'd hear something like Steppin Wolfe or something that would evolve into Stone Temple Pilots, instead I hear beautiful hippie jams of rebellion and intoxication.  Though beautiful, it wasn't the brutality I expected when I got into extreme metal like Dimmu Borgir or Cradle of Filth years later.
        After falling head-first in love with this mellow group of recreational drug users I started reading the vast library of work on this group.  I found out they are the most written about music group in history and I fell in love with Jerry Garia's oral biography of his life Dark Star.
          This book captures his life in the exact words of those who were around him.  His family, friends, most of his co-workers, and partners would tell of this man's life as they were around the man living it.  Every detail from how he lost the finger on his right hand from a childhood game to his battles with cigarettes, heroine, and diabetes to how these effected the life of those around him and his art.
         Finding that the cigarettes did more damage to his body than all the hard drugs he used encouraged me to give up smoking and watch what I ate and try to stay away from the extreme amounts of candy I would eat.  No matter how much I respected his ability to play the guitar and preform music; what I took from that book was to not live a life of pure indulgence to the point of shortening the life I do posses.
          I still love and adore biographies and autobiographies to this day, but I have expanded my readings to religious books of all religious beliefs, formal philosophy, and science fiction past the types that were made into bock-buster movies.  I have learned so much reading how others succeeded or failed in their existences, or how their world view shaped who they were and the world it created for them. Being able to see their pit falls helped me watch for them or attempt to avoid them.
       None were more so than Voltaire.  The man wrote and spoke his mind just to be persecuted for it. He spend most of his life on house arrest.  But the joke was on his captures.  Voltaire lived in a beautiful castle and his lover was a gorgeous and brilliant woman that came to him.  He spent his many hours drunk, fucking, and writing works that we still love and learn from today.  He also avoided the plagues being locked in his own home and lived to be an ancient old man of the late 1700's.  His persecutions caused him to live a life we can be enriched by all while we have enjoyed the good fortune of knowing he was happy and blessed unlike Dostoevsky.
        Dostoevsky on the other hand angered those whom forced him into military service, torture, and starvation.  He turned to gambling and booze to try to calm himself and the world of torment he was forced to live.  When these did not work he turned to religion and writing.  His craft became some of the greatest novels ever written in any language.  We also know he died starving and alone.
        Voltaire was a giant influence upon the structures and beginnings of the United Sates. Ben Franklin met with Voltaire during the Revolutionary War for ideas while he and John Adams tried to get monetary funding from France. 
        I also can't help to think for all the influence that great French thinkers had for our country I see us heading the same direction as Russia of the late 1800's.  Any differing views or beliefs are silenced by prison, forced labor, military service, falsified criminal charges,  or a silencing of their communication abilities by censorship of all mediums they can use.  I don't think it is coincidence the Salinger had most of his life's work under lock and key till many years after his physical body's death.
         

Start Searching Police Vehicles With Out Warrants?

        I have thought of an idea for trueer accountability for police officers. Those who hold the cards use the guise that officers are there to protect the public; and this is a service paid for through our tax dollars. These "protectors" can search us at any time with out real probable cause because of their "duty".

        We as citizens should be allowed to search their vehicles at any time because they are bought by the public domain. This should help us as citizens know that these officers are being held accountable and not allowed to live above the law while on duty by the citizens so heavenly taxed for the service officers provide.

       This will be Homeland Security by those that live in the home land to hold those in power accountable! Sounds like winning all the way across the board.

Destruction & Sustainability Can Not Work Together

        Trying to believe in the world as a great & wholesome place has become tougher and tougher to do these days.  I'm not sure if it is because I'm older, or if it my lack frolicking free time.
        I have a much sunnier outlook on life than I have for most of the 3 decades I've been on this earth; I can not help but to feel the cycle of the ebb and flow of human exsistance is taking a turn for the worse.
        For all that time we were looking into prosperity  and a world of grand new experiences, I now see the ill effect of humanity balancing precariously back to a time of sadness and decay.  Where literacy was something everyone had, it has become common place to no longer have the ability to read and still go through life without literacy.  People spend hours on Twitter reading 140 character blips, but so few will spend that same amount of time reading a great full length work by a great published author.  We work too little to pay our bills or so much we don't enjoy the benefits of being employed. We have sex partners and fuck buddies but we distance ourselves from having a lover because they might get them too close to us.  People would rather watch the super rich fight with each other through a lens and a copper wire than have their mind expanded by something intellectual.
       I realize it is just a down turn and a lull after a long batch of wonderful creativity; advancements in the arts, sciences, and human dignity were everyday and revolutionary new break throughs came to us almost more rapidly than we could grow accustom to.  Sadly there were also advances in destruction, torment, harm and war.  We learned to turn "crime" into profit and make criminal prosecution lucrative.  We took the justice out of the justice system and made it about making money rather than protecting those who need the help of the the state.  Now the profiteers hold all the cards.
       It took great international and domestic shake ups to create change back when the world saw a total upheaval in its standards and practices in terms of human exsistance.  Democracy and sanctions against torture came to be the ruling way of life.  It took the bravery of those who were sick of the way things were and knew change had to take place for there to be a better world.  They took it upon themselves to bring to light the wrongs and to fight the tyranny when they know the odds were stacked far against them. They took to any means necessary to gain respect as a human race and be known as back bone of the empire they were apart of, and decided to break free from.
         But we have to watch out for needless and senseless loss of life in the changing paradigm. We must not see predation and stratification in society as natural and something that can continue at these gross disproportions. Unity and not conformity need to be our motto instead of letting them divide and conquer us.
       When we live in a time when we spend more money killing the poor than it would cost to feed them we need to realign our values live in this world of plenty to its fullest.  We can not joke about eating the poor when the food supply runs out.  We need to see where innovation will be rewarded over mass profit margins.  To sustain those that are brought into this world.  Where they can have a standard of living this world can sustain for them and t future generations we produce.  A disposable society is just that. Expendable and non enduring.
        We don't need a larger television when the lands that supply the food to our future generations shows signs of decay.  And the ability to create sustainably is only a scientific breakthrough away.
        And just like we saw the French of the 1700's killing and filling the streets with blood (only to do it all over again when nothing of real substance changed).  A revolution can not be centered in violence, it must be centered in change and progress for the whole of humanity and not a focus on the violent over throw of a political power that only has power when we give it control.   We need to have our eyes opened to that fact that war feeds those who are infinitely rich and steals the lives, minds, & souls of those who do the fighting while keeping those at home waving flags and rooting on the senselessness killing of the impoverished of the 3rd world for profit.  No one is a hero in war times.  Violence only begets more violence and this is something we must get away from to continue the move forward.  Destruction of the earth and our race through violence will not sustain us anymore.

The Crimminal

When one can commit horrible and vile acts of violence, but yet tells himself he's a hero; he is the worst type of criminal.

Systematic Control in School & A Look Back

http://thefreethoughtproject.com/wtf-wrong-america-public-schools-holding-disturbing-drills/
       I could only hope that these stories of systematic control are sensationalized and super exaggerated.  But then I though of my school experiences back when I was in the public school system.
       I was not a student that broke records in sports, made All-Star teams, preformed in All-State competitions,  or graduated at the very top of my class.  I was the type that did not think any of those things mattered.  I was the guy who did make it into all the top groups he tried out for; he did make top 15-10% of his class type of grades and was often asked to join military service or compete in more school sponsored competitions than he was was already a part of. But still never felt compelled (or was allowed to) do many of these activities.
       I was happy to give as much as I did and get the level of success that is did receive. But I did question a great amount of practices the school participated in:
       When police officers came to teach classes to elementary school children, why were they packing heat and wearing their bullet proof vests?  When asked they would claim it was because they could be called out to an emergency, but I'm sure that would look bad on criminal control of the populace if an officer was called away from teaching kids to stay off drugs to go on a call. Couldn't a more "on-duty" officer take care of that?
        I also questioned why the G.R.E.A.T. officer (Gang Resistance Education and Training at a school out in the country where there were always more red-necks and pick-up trucks than cars in the parking lots) would try to belittle and harass me  in front of the class when 2 years before I was my class's top student in D.A.R.E.; who went to that summer's D.A.R.E. Summer camp?  I wondered why he felt good about himself harassing an already quite, but smart-witted & well behaved student. Even the teach did not question his erroneous treatment of me in fear of losing his job.
        Why was there always a soldier or military recruiter in my school at all times (& sometimes in the classroom) trying to get us enlisted for a merchant-of-death-gig? Why did they think this working class demographic wanted to go into battle for those that had more than ţhe average student there could dream of accomplishing financially?  Why were they glorifying a middle classes pay scale as prosperity when they were asking us to potentially give our lives to a country  thirsty for war and blood shed. (I won't go into how I couldn't help feeling that the U.S. was heading for another war at the drop of a hat or bomb.) But it always made me question.  Always made me wonder what a world would be like as I grew older.
        Just 18 months after I left high school the US was pulled into a flag waving occupation of the Middle-East, few months after that I had a state trooper put a gun to my head for having a sticker on my car asking for peace (as I drove to visit my family for an Easter meal), and I saw the average college tuition triple forcing more and more underprivileged citizens into military service to be able to get a foothold on life after high school.  All this back in the Mid 90's through early 2000's.  N now we are a decade removed from that downward slide and it feels as if we will finally land in that mud-hole of a violent police state any moment.

Thoughts & Writing

       Notes for the taking.  I find it it always interesting when one gets to type and let their thoughts flow.  What a great place to type and let my thumbs speak for my mind.
        Some days I just miss writing.  I used to write for hours and hours on end, just letting anything and everything flow.  Usually I used a pen and paper and would fill entire volumes of journals.  It felt wonderful talking to myself (through a pen and paper) for hours on end and just letting myself study who I am and what made me tick.        
       There were days I had more time for that kind of thing than I do now. I was freer to just go out and take a pen and a notebook with me, drive my truck to a place that served coffee and just hang out for hours on end dressed in a suit but with nowhere important to go.  I'd just people watch, drink coffee, write, think, read and just take in a small amount of free time away from work and responsibility.
       Those exact days maybe gone, and have been removed for something with much greater meaning then self indulgence; but I would never trade those times or these.  They have just been different parts of a very busy life.  I thank you all for being a part of that life.
      

Wages & Traditions

       When did we change curency from the amount time involved to make purchases (like Biblical writings would describe) to the amount of money for each purchase?  It seems so much more poinent to speak of the time and labor involved in what it takes to scratch out a living than some abirtry number of commerce dictated by forces outside of our control.  We do have the choice to take jobs that are offered to us, or not to take them.  We can argue wages.  But in the end the range of wages for the common person aren't that extreme in their ranges.
         To claim that this product took 4 years of wages to gain ownership of means so much more than to say it cost $60,000 when one takes the time to think of what four years of labor really involves.  Do we do this because we live in a capitalist society? (Where dollars determine every move the individual makes.)
          Do those in other countries describe their purchasing piower in monetary numbers, or do they use the length of time they labored?  I'd love to find out.

I'll Be Posting Again

       Well, my phone finally croaked off officially, my iPad isn't formatted for good formatting of blogs, & I was working far too many work hours to have free time to write. 

       Those things have changed now. I will be back to posting and letting my feelings flow on here once again. It has been a. Freeing experience to, once again, spend time with family, read books, and take in inspiring movies to help get the creative flow going again.  It has been torture not getting to write with the voracity I used to.   

       After seeing I have been getting many views of my page lately; I hope those who have come by have enjoyed what they have read and will be getting to enjoy more quantity of content in the future.  

       Please feel free to leave comments and let me know how you felt. You can also email me @ PaffordTim@gmail.com.

"Code 9" For The Public?

     The police have a code called Code 9 when they are in need of assistance.  This brings the entire force running to help the officer in need.
       Why don't citizens have a "Code 9" for when they are in danger from violence from a police officer? 
      All of us have read the stories of people calling 9-11 on the police and we read how it only added to the #s of people harming this victim and giving more people in the courtroom to tell a jury their actions were "just and necessary".  We know these situations are emensly dangerous to the citizen and we need a way to know we can be protected from these situations and have a rescue as quick as the police claim that they will respond to a need of help.
      Maybe we could push for legislation to have a force displined to save someone being harmed or killed by police before it is too late.  Maybe"Homeland Security" could have a unit that polices police or an all new unit to protect those 5xs more likely to be killed by police than terrorists?
       Will we really do something to save ourselves, or will we let things go as they are for as long as we are told we are "safe"?
       I doubt many in Germany during the 1940's thought things were as bad as they were till they were forced to see what their blind obedience did.

Homeland Security Officer Threatened Me For Wanting a Safer Homeland

       I reported some instances to him that I'd had a gun to my head on occasions that I felt were not acts that one could feel safe knowing who committed them.  I needed to inform someone in authority.  I wanted my homeland a safer place to be in.  This report (to a man of authority) who could do something about it; instead found my information to be a "threat" and "harassment".

He said:
"I am a consultant for Homeland security and a retired Kansas City officer. You contact me again with a message or threat and I will have you arrested for stalking and harassment. Any comment you leave in the open on a public forum".

       Another sad case of of the Police State hiding behind false titles of protection of the people.  They don't want to protect anyone but their fellow officers and they prove this nearly daily when they harm, rob, harass, kill, and torture us.
      I believe most of us would be shocked by statistics showing lives taken (or imprisoned) vs. lives saved or protected by men and women armed so heavily they look more like soldiers than the peace officers they claim themselves to be in media/entertainment propaganda.
        Have we become such an easily lead society that we believe these false claims of protection?  Do we really believe that a media who is bed fellows with the offices and officers would (in all actuality) report without bias?  All when the people they are getting their information from hold all the cards and evidence?  We allow this group to give us our information and don't even seem to blink that they would be hurting themselves to turn on the other and we are none the wiser when they hold information back from us....?
       Will we start to see them as dangerous and stop funding them?  Are we too afraid?  Are we like so much of Europe during the 1940's, 50's, and Africa?
      We stand by and let their horrible acts of violence keep us from taking a stand, voting against their funding, and making the public aware through any means necessary.  We live in an interconnected world and still fear to reach out or shake a boat. 
     Death by cop is a horrible way to die that is usually simply described by the media as "A police shooting".  Let us go into what the experience really is:
       A "suspect" (or victim) is picked and is shot with as much ammunition as the weapon will hold.  (There have been reported instances of officers reloading and continuing their assault after they have run one clip dry even after the suspect has shown no sign of anything but being in the throws of death.)  Then, while bleeding form numerous bullet wounds the victim is violently slammed onto their chest, has their hands aggressively restrained behind their backs with metal restraints, and stood upon as they convulse with the loss of blood to their vital organs and die a horrific and painful death.

       To me, this is one of the most violent and horrific deaths anyone could have to go through. All while their executioner wears a patch that claims to "Serve and Protect" and these acts would find anyone else on death row.
        In my world view, I see this act of murder as one of the vilest and most fully preventable types of horrific brutality and death that lives with legal protection. We live in a country we call free and brave.  It is cowardice and blind hatred that puts the lives of the average citizen at far greater risk than that of a "terrorist's attack".  For me, this threat of violence to ourselves and our families is far more a common reality than the fears put into us from the media.  It is a common statistic that a US citizen is 8 times more likely to die from an attack from a police officer than a terrorist. 
       But maybe, just maybe, someday the people will take a stand and stop this statistic from remaining true.  Maybe we can go to a time when we can feel protected by our police force instead of feeling a need to fear them.

Happiness & Sanity Are Full Time Jobs

There are so many people that are better before they are truly known.  I once hear that "One should never have a hero younger than themselves or they will be disappointed in who they find them to be".  We also must see that all people are human and are prone to mistakes and error.

Others are simply not ready for the public.  Their lives have caused them to be too scared of everything; they are unable to see life as happy and free.  When someone real does come into their lives they feel compelled to pick the relationship apart and see all the reasons they will not be able to find happiness in it.  Many times they push away the best option for an option they feel they fit better into instead of the avenue that would be of the best benefit for them.  Some of us may not be able to see why these choices are made; but most of us have not seen the major set backs and personal pains that these people have.  Their lives have been filled with too much misery for them to know true happiness.  They have created a shell around themselves to only accept what they feel safe and comfortable accepting.  The shell only allows so much happiness before it rejects the conduit brining the pleasurable experience and sometimes we will see them reject those who intend the most good.

No amount of regular experience seems to change this thought form and process.  It will usually take many years of therapy and counseling to unlock the ability of these people to find their true ability to find happiness.  Sadly, much of their life has already passed and the bills from the therapy have caused them to have too little materially for them to actively search for their new found ably to be completely happy.  Plus, they have often already rejected several who wanted to make them happy and had the ability to do so.  They also will not return because those people did take the initiative to seek new happiness and good experiences.

        Which do you choose to be?

Social Networks

A day writing can be the best day ever:

        Though I do find it sad that social networks are no longer fun play grounds where people can just let out their thoughts and emotions freely.  It has become a place where others can spy and judge us for our entertainment.  It would not be such a horrible happening if these judges did not also choose our fates, our occupations, and hold the keys to what many of us work so very hard for each and every day to provide for families and personal happinesses outside of entertainment.

         I do not find it to be a bother to have a dark sense of humor, or to enjoy the more carnal pleasures of another human being.  I've always found a belief that a country that is truly free will not needlessly punish victimless crimes and would harshly punish those who inflict harm onto others based upon rank in a society that allowed them this place of power.  But instead we live in a land where things seem backwards.

        We live in a culture that would rather attack itself than form together and try to take down the oppression that actually makes them unhappy.  I can't help but to think of those in prisons who torment and torture each other instead of forming together and making the best of a situation they can not escape.

         Advanced thinkers used imprisonment to write, to escape psychologically, and to share what they have created with others in their situation. It brought happiness to the others and brought accomplishment to the writer.  We do this slightly with movies, but they have become so impersonal, and large budgeted with special effects, that they are not the beloved stories we once enjoyed felling as if we could be the lead characters.

        

Infantile

        It seems so strange. Day in, and day out, it seems like nearly every where I look all I can are the theories of the philosophers I have been reading the past few years.  Jung did exhaustive research on the individual.  His work proceeded Frued; who's work proceeded Nietzsche.

        The more of Neietzsche I read, the more I see how greatly people do lie every day.  The one they lie to the most is themselves.  I see so many around me, each and every day, that have to prove their insecurities in broad and dramatic fashions just to (somehow) prove they they aren't the losers they really are.

        Then we have the group of individuals so symbiotically linked to the people to whom keep them afloat that they seem almost as obnoxious as those who have to broadcast their problems to the world.  For these individuals they pack all the need of world social acceptance into a handful of people they hold to for dear life.  Has a happy middle ground died?